Archive for the 'Attempted Humor' Category

ChemBark has obtained the covers to the next two issues of Chemical and Engineering News.  Sources tell us that they may change at the last minute, but given the juicy nature of the featured stories, you will appreciate seeing them now:

May 28th:

June 4th:

Anyone interested in “discovering” future covers of C&EN should use this handy PowerPoint file.  It will prove especially useful for finding headlines like “My Hoodmate Smells like Cheese” or “Advisor of the Year”.  For decent conversion to j-peg, “print” your cover using the highest quality setting into a PDF file, then cut and paste it into an image editor like Photoshop.  You’ll have to adjust some things (colors, fonts, spacing) if you want a color print (directly from PPT) to look right.  I’ll be sure to tell Bill Gates about this problem when he comes here next month.

P.S.  When I said “big, Big, BIG…”, I was lying.

P.P.S.  Be sure to share your efforts with the rest of us.

This graphic was made in very bad taste.  I’ve posted it here as an example of the kind of poor attempts at humor that will not be condoned on ChemBark.  If you have examples of similarly poor attempts at humor regarding chemistry or life in graduate school, please make me aware of them so I may post them as a public service. Thank you.

It’s Christmastime at ChemBark, and we’ve tweaked the theme a little bit to be more festive. Ed the Dog has even agreed to wear the Santa hat we bought for him. Good boy!

When the holiday season approaches for our lab, we all contribute to a central gift fund and purchase presents as tokens of our appreciation for our janitor, the office staff, and George. Here was this year’s gift to the Big Guy:

It’s a 12″ wall clock with his face in the center, surrounded by rings of the names of all the subgroups and students in the lab. The main obstacles of giving customized gifts are finding acceptable hi-res images and deciding upon the gift early; you can’t leave the decision to the last minute when you’re at the mercy of the shipping industry. Whenever we order one of these personalized items, I can’t resist buying one for myself. That’s why a GMW Clock graces my fume hood:

My favorite lab gift of all time was what we got for him two years ago. We designed a group logo and had it put on a nylon briefcase–something that he could actually use on his travels:

To satisfy the minimum order requirements, I had to order three bags. While this was annoying at the time, it turned out to be a blessing. Not long into the next semester, George saw me and said that John Deutch (former director of the CIA and one of George’s old colleagues at MIT) saw the bag and insisted on having it. I don’t know exactly how that works, but Deutch got his way. Fortunately, we had a spare to replace it.  Now, owning one of these bags puts me in pretty elite company: Whitesides, Deutch, and Bracher.

So…is anyone else busy buying lab-related gifts for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus?

I’ve recently discovered the fantastic Web site of Ken Suslick, a Professor of Chemistry at UIUC. His stories about serving as an expert witness during a patent lawsuit and as a consultant for a Hollywood movie are good reads, and his seminar on seminars is right on the mark. Some money advice:

“Your job is to convince and inform, NOT to archive.”

“Don’t get cute [with formatting and animations].”

“Don’t go more than 50 minutes”

Finally, his collection of “Laws of the Universe” is pretty good. My favorites:

Ninety Rules of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the take takes ten percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing.

Westheimer’s Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.

So true. Westheimer still roams the halls around here and often attends seminars, including the annual lecture for the Westheimer Medal. In an introduction to the last such lecture, a second Westheimer’s Rule was mentioned: “Two weeks in the lab will save you two hours in the library.”

It never ceases to amaze me how often people waste time trying to reinvent the wheel. Thank goodness for SciFinder.